Posh and Becks go on one of their famous spending sprees and Posh sees a dress she particularly likes.
"Can I try that dress on in the window, David?" asks Posh.
"Nah, I don't think so, Victoria," replies David. "You'd better use the changing room like everyone else."
David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stands up and offers that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy.
"No," Beckham says, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer.
"What?" asks Beckham, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says :
"If an airplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
Beckham beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
David needs to increase his level of fitness if he is to excel at Real Madrid, so he goes to a Spanish doctor.
"What I would advise you do," says the doctor, "Is run 5 miles a day for the next 50 days and then come back and see me."
Sure enough, 50 days later, the doctor receives a phone call from David.
"I thought I told you to come back and see me," he says.
"I can't," replies David. "I'm 250 miles from home and I don't know the way back."
It is the heart of Winter and David decides to relax by going ice fishing. He drives to the nearest frozen lake, cuts a hole in the ice and settle down to fish. Out of the blue he hears a great, booming voice.
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Understandably a little shaken, he pours himself a nice cup of sweet tea from his Thermos, moves a little further down the lake, cuts another hole and starts fishing.
"There are no fish under the ice!" intones the booming voice once more.
Quite unsure what is happening, David decides he must be hearing things, moves further along the ice, cuts yet another hole and starts fishing.
"There are no fish under the ice!" booms the voice for a third time.
"How do you know?" cries David. "Who are you? Can it be that I am listening to the voice of God?"
"No," returns the deep voice. "You are listening to the manager of the ice rink."
David goes to see Andy Cole in hospital after he has an injury.
"What have they been doing to you?" he asks.
"Well," says Andy, "they gave me a cortisone injection."
"That's not fair," says David. "I never got a car when I was in here."
David walks into a hardware shop and asks for some four by twos.
"I think you mean two by fours, mate," says the bloke behind the counter.
"Hang on," says David, "I'll go and ask Victoria." He nips out to the car to check, comes back and says,
"Yeah, mate, you're right. Two by fours."
"OK how long do you need them."
"Hang on," says David, I'll go and check" He goes out to the car, comes back and says, "A long time. We're building a house."
As a young boy, David Beckham gets a holiday job painting white lines on the road. On the first day, the foreman is very pleased as he's painted five miles of white lines. The next day is less impressive, only three miles. On the third day, the foreman is forced to take David to one side.
"Look, son," he says, "how come you painted five miles on your first day, three on your second day and only a mile today?"
"Because," David replies, "I keep getting further away from the can of paint."
Brooklyn comes home one day to find his dad playing a game of snap with the dog.
"What are you doing dad?" he asks.
"Just playing snap with the dog, son."
"Wow, Dad," says Brooklyn, "that must be the cleverest dog anywhere!"
"Oh, I don't know," says David. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
David alights from a train feeling a bit queasy. Victoria, who meets him, asks why he feels sick.
"I always feel sick if I'm facing towards the back of the train," he explains.
"Couldn't you just ask to swap with the person opposite you?" asks Victoria.
"I thought about doing that," he replies "but there was nobody sitting there."
David decides to treat Brooklyn and Romeo by taking them to Disneyworld. They fly to Florida, jump in the car and start driving. After a while, David sees a big sign saying Disneyworld Left'.
"Oh well," he shrugs, turning the car round and heading back to the airport.
David Beckham hears a knock at the door. He opens it to find an old lady in some distress.
"I'm very sorry, Mr Beckham, but I think I've just run over your cat. I'll be more than happy to replace it."
"OK," says David, "are you any good at catching mice?"
On his first flight to Madrid, David is told that chewing gum is a good ay to stop his ears popping. As they land, he calls over the air stewardess and says,
"This gum worked a treat, but do you know how I'm supposed to get it out of my ears?"
David Beckham walks into a pet shop and asks for a pound of bird seed.
"How many birds do you have?" asks the pet shop owner.
"None yet," says David, "but I'm hoping to grow some."
David and Brooklyn are walking down the street when they see a sign in a fast food restaurant saying "Free Big Mac"
"Why?" David asks his little boy. "What did he do?"
Glenn Hoddle dies and goes to Heaven. He's met at the gates by God himself - as is customary for VERY important people. God shows him promptly to The England dressing room - a large room full of clocks. Each of the clocks has a minute hand only and a small inscription bearing a name. They're all there from Sir Alf to Owen. The players who have preceeded Glenn to the Great Wembley Way in the sky, including Glenn's clock, were all moving forward at the right pace. But all the players who were still alive's clocks were stationary - until Glenn looked closer and he noticed that ever now and again the clock of one player or another would loose half an hour.
"What's that all about then?" Glenn asks God.
"Ah, well every time one of your boys has a wank they knock half an hour of their lives."
"Oh," says Glenn, and he has another look - LeSaux's clock goes back by half an hour....Then Campbell's does. Glenn has a closer look -
"Where's Beckhams clock then?"
"Ah well, we've got that one in the office - we're using it as a fan!"
David and Victoria go to see the doctor for their annual medicals. David goes in first and once he's finished, the doctor asks him to send Victoria in.
"Before we start, Mrs Beckham, I need to speak to you about your husband," says the doctor in a concerned tone of voice. "To be honest I am a bit worried about him. I asked him how everything was going and he said that he'd never felt better, everything was fantastic."
"What's so worrying about that?" asks Victoria.
"That's what I am coming to. He said that when he got up this morning he went to the bathroom, opened up the door and God turned on the light for him. And when he left the bathroom, he shut the door, and God turned the light off for him too. Now I'm afraid that delusions like that simply are not normal."
Victoria rolls her eyes towards heaven.
"Oh dear, oh dear," she says, "it sounds like he's been peeing in the fridge again..."
A thief drives off with Posh's new Porsche. David sees it all happen.
"Victoria, Victoria, someone's stolen your car!"
"Oh my God," says Victoria. "Did you get a description of him?"
"I did better than that," says David. "I wrote down the number on the number plate!"
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.
"It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"What have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.
But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
Posh & Becks were recently seen in a car park trying to get into their BMW with a coat hanger.
Posh: "David, I can't seem to get this door unlocked"
Becks: "Well Victoria, you'd better get a move on and try a bit harder. It's starting to rain and the top's down".
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran over David Beckham".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
David is chatting to his friend Phil Neville.
"I'm thinking of taking Victoria on safari in Africa," he says.
"Wow," says Phil. "That's brave. What would you do if she was attacked by a vicious wild lion?"
"Do? I wouldn't do anything," says David.
"Nothing?" asks Phil, slightly aghast.
"No," replies David. "It's the law of the jungle. I'd leave the lion to defend for itself."
On the golf course with David Seaman, Becks spends ages lining up a shot.
"Come on," Says the goalkeeper. "Get a move on."
"Sorry mate," Says Becks. "It's just that I know Victoria is watching from the clubhouse and I want to make the perfect shot."
"Nah," says Seaman. "You'll never hit her from there."
As part of his medical upon joining Real Madrid, David as to undergo a psychiatric test to establish his response to certain questions.
"What would happen," asked the psychiatrist, "if I cut off your left ear?"
"Well," says David, "I'd be half deaf, I suppose."
"Very good and what would happen if I then cut off your right ear?"
"Oh, well, in that case I'd go blind."
"Why do you think you'd go blind if I cut off both your ears?"
"Easy," replies David. "My bandana would slip over my eyes."
David's personal trainer decides that he's a little bit over weight, so he puts him on a diet.
"What I want you to do," he says, "is eat normally for three days then skip a day. Carry that on for a month, and then come back to see me."
Sure enough, a month later David comes back looking much leaner and fitter than he was.
"That's a great diet," he says, "but you know, I thought I was going to drop dead on that fourth day."
"What," asks the trainer, "from hunger?"
"No," says David. "From skipping."