Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?". God Replies, "In the next five years"
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Man Utd next win the European Cup?".
I'll The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years".
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Tottenham win the Premier League?". God Answers, "I will be dead by then!"

A Sunderland supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.
"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.
"OK, you're ugly too" replies the doctor.

The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Third Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around. them and passing between them before shooting for goal.
After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6-0.

The manager of a Third Division club called his leading goal-scorer into his office.
'You've played so well this season,' he said, 'that the committee has decided to give you a special bonus.
We would like you to accept this cheque for £5000.'
'Thank you very much,' said the player. 'That's very kind of you.'
'And,' continued the manager, 'if you play as well for the rest of the season, the chairman will sign it for you.'

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. `What exactly was it that he threw into the canall' asked the magistrate.
'Stones, sir.'
'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'
'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.

Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before the game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail. 'Hang on a minute,' said the gateman. 'What's that in your mouth?' It was the missing ticket!
As they moved inside his mate said, 'Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!'
'I'm not' that stupid,' said old Cyril. 'I was chewing last week's date off it.

A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"
"Because he beats me" said the little boy.
"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"
The little boy replied" I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"

The soccer club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. "May I see your tickets, please?" said the club secretary at the door.
"We haven't got any tickets," said one of the men. "We're friends of the referee."
"Get out of here!" said the club secretary, "Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!"

A Sunderland fan and a Newcastle fan were sentenced to death by firing squad.
The officer in charge asked the Newcastle fan if he had a last request.
'Yes' replied the Newcastle Fan, 'I'm a keen Newcastle Supporter, and I videoed the last game Newcastle played. Could I watch the video before I die?'
'No Problem', replied the officer, 'I'll get the men to rig up a large screen, and you can watch it from here'.
Then turning to the Sunderland Fan, he asked 'And what about you, do you have a last request?'
'Yes', he replied, 'Shoot me first'.

It  was  mid-way  through  the football  season and  a  third  division  team were  doing really badly. The  manager  decided  to get the team together   and   go   back  to  absolute  basics. Picking up a football, he said,
"Right, lads, what I have in my hands is called a  football,  and  the  object  of the  game is..."
" Hang on a minute,"  came  a  shout,  " you're going too fast."

At a local  derby  between  Arsenal  and Spurs last   season,  a   spectator    suddenly   found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
'There's  nothing  to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs   during  the  war.  You   won't   get  hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'
'That's  just  what  I'm  worried  about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker'

Three fans were bemoaning the fact that their team kept losing and was facing relegation.
"I  blame  the  manager"  said the first,  "if  he  would  sign  new  players  then  we  could  be  a  great  side"
"I  blame  the  players"  said  the  second,  "if they made more effort  I am sure we would score more goals"
"I  blame  my  parents",  added the third, " if I'd been born in another town I'd be supporting a decent team!

Over  breakfast  one  morning, a  little  boy  kept  staring intently at his grandfather.  'Is anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.
'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football team.'
'What are. you talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play football.'
'Oh,'  said  the  little  boy.  'It's  just that Dad' said that when you kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'

It was  Cup Final  day and a huge crowd was approaching  Wembley  Stadium.  A  funeral  procession slowly passed through the crowd. On seeing this;  a man took his hat off and stood motionless for a few  moments before walking on.
"That was a nice thing to do," said his friend.
"Well," said the man, "she was a good wife to me for over 20 years."
© 2005-2009. Barrie Spirit Soccer
Soccer  Jokes  -  Collection #1
Souness, Strachan, and Smith were making small talk at a friends funeral when they started on the topic of, "When you are in your casket and your family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Walter Smith was the first, he said: "I would like them to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine leader, and a great family man."
Strachan commented: "I would like folks to say, I was a wonderful teacher and servant of the game, who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Souness said: "I'd like them to say, Look, he's movin!"